Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
