Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
