I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
