Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
