textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
