he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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