When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
