Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The air was thick with penises
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
