This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
