if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
