I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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