remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
