Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
