I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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