I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
