I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
