they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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