why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
