actually, I'm a sock model
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
two words: eviction party
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
