Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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