never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
