can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
