I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
