just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
