Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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