My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
