I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
