so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
