All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
