i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
