Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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