I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
