I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
All I want is dick and wine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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