Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
