You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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