is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
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She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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