I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
