at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
