we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How naked do you want me to be?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
