Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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