Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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