First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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