If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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