my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
