i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
