Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
