Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
