Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All the doctor said was why
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
