I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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