wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
