I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
