Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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