wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
