I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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