I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
