I heard we made out
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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