My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
