Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
