So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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