I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
