my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
